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Archive for July, 2010|Monthly archive page

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In Uncategorized on July 13, 2010 at 10:02 pm

It is so much more difficult and confusing now that I’m growing up. There are a lot of things that don’t meet the eye, people scheming and what makes me more scared is that you really can’t trust anyone.  truthfully I can’t even manage to trust myself so how can I trust anyone else. Everything brings me down, I’m weak to say it in two words. Whats funny and sad is that I really thought I was strong, I thought I was stable but the truth is that I’m unbalanced, but the good news is that I get more and more stable as the days go by.

 I’ve learned a lot this year, more important things I should say.  Better times will come, but I shouldn’t think that way, I focus too much on the future, its ok sometimes but it seems like im always dreaming and stay on the drawing board for too long. I want more out of life, and it’s hard I wont deny it. This world could be more of a good place to be in. I’m running out of battery life so ill end it here my fellow humans. Stay On your toes.

                                                                            -Heau

BIG dreams, some xperience.

In Uncategorized on July 11, 2010 at 11:01 pm

It was on channel 62 that I was watching a Comedy Central stand-up special. I’m not sure but i think the comedians name was something like Geraldo. Well he said a joke that made me feel good about not having a job. He said that in this economy i’ts ok to be a fuck up. Believe it or not it made me feel better, but thats how peoplem get fat, they eat because it makes them feel good.

To tell you humans the truth I’m gettin really tired of being a loser. Like Trey Songz says I just want to be successful.  What i require is to push myself. Motivation is what I’m lacking, happiness is foreign to my emotions nowadays so I must do something to change this. Help my fam, get my license, get a car, get a job, not in that order but you get the picture.

I want to do it the right way. In my head I see gettin a normal job like at a store or something that pays alright, not expecting much but it wou;d’nt hurt finding a GREAT paying job.

Thing will get better and it’s up to me thisI know. Mandookie you have to start tomorrow, go get your clothes ready, prepare yourself mentaly , you can do it.LOL 😐

Focus man.

In Uncategorized on July 9, 2010 at 9:34 pm

Dude, being ^Twenty is really sucking for me. A lot o pressure and responsabilities which I am not taking care of to make it worse. Ontop of that all I do is complain instead of doing something about it. People making it harder tthan it is, we’re living in a hateful world and if your sitiuation is good you should be thankful. You did it, pat yourself in the back. I need to stop looking towards the future too much and look at the present.

When something hits me that makes me scared in relation to the world I repress it and comfort myself. I’m too comfortable not doing anything. There’s so much to do and i can’t get myself to do these things. Im impatient, i rush things, I go from one thought to another with no focus.

Pace yourself fellow dude,i need to encourage myself like i did just now. What messes me up the most is knowwing that i did this, I messed things up. I read a quote somewhere that said you should never forgive yourself, even if i try I can’t i dont want to try. I might be able to someday but now I’m numb. There are times I shed tears sometimes I laugh but its not the same. This world messes with our emotions, its a rollercoaster and im not sure to strap myself in until i know its my theme park.

Frustrated I have ideas and dreams but can’t focus, and llike I said there are always people that want to mess things up, I guess I need to be stronger. Yes I try, sometimes I might slack off but anyone can do it, well in my opinion. What i would like is to be successful and happy without hurting other people. What’s wrong with me! It’s everything is twisted up. What I need is a release. Cannot focus, everything goes through my mind like I can’t breathe. Makes me want to everything and shout cry punch a cat in the face.

Put my energy into something is what i should do, it’s all bottled up inside. Everything not just one thing, its everything. What I need to do is be persistent. Either im making myself feel trapped or angry, sometimes I scare myself because I know I won’t hurt another human being unless im provoked, and it would take alot to provoke me. Meditate and take a bream fellow dude, be you, express yourself.

Stay on your toes.

Heau.

To quit or not to quit.

In Uncategorized on July 9, 2010 at 6:30 pm

It’s a tough desicion to make for anyone who has smoked more than you should. Smoking gives you satisfaction because when you’ve had a good time it probably was while you were smoking so  you make yourself believe it was the lit cigarette clamped down between your lips that made it possible.

I smoke sometimes, I used to smoke alot more than I do now. Personally I see it as a waste of money, specially when you don’t have alot of it. There are other ways to entertain yourself, but if you’re suicidal go ahead and smoke. Im joking, why kill yourself? It’s ok, this to shall pass, whatever it is, of course it won’t be easy.

There are alot of commercials that sell these cancer sticks, kids smoke them, I’ve seen it but i do not blame those commercials, it’s all about curiousity and boredom. It’s a choice humans make. I’m smoking one as i write this.I dont get anything out of it. I feel cool doing it, it’s multitasking if you will.Something to do.

Alot of my family members smoke, I grew up seeing them smoke. I’ve seen some quit, most likely it was because of their poor health. Whatever reason it is they stopped, they would’nt stop something they enjoyed unless it’s not safe.It must’ve been hard but i think its easy. Or maybe I keep saying “this is my last box” and it keeps going ang going until it’s too late. Addiction is a disease, its all in our heads. Sometimes I feel guilty buying a pack. So do i quit or not? We’ll see.

Google Image result.

Sigh, I’ll do anything for love.

In Uncategorized on July 8, 2010 at 7:57 pm

Oh but i wont do that.

Yesterday, a guy showed up at the door asking for me while I was stinky and watching t.v. so I decided not to answer. Mother answered the door, she came to tell me someone is asking for you, I quietly nodded so she told him I was asleep. I looked horrible I was relaxing so why get and answer the door.

I looked to see who it was as he left and it looked like the step brother of some guy I suspect is knowingly hurting us, imo taking advantage of us. See he would come over and we would treat him like our friend. Now I’ve seen his real faces and it seems like he’s not that good of a person. I can be wrong but I can be right.

I don’t talk to him like I did before, he is now just one of my brothers friend. Am I the only that is seeing who he really is? All I can do is express my feelings and thoughts to my siblings.A lot of people I thought I knew are now no longer a part of my life though I do see them from time to time and yes sometimes I think about past times but it isn’t the same and it is because how they hurt me that I want to change.

It feels good to hurt others sometimes, or take your anger out on someone, but it’s another thing feeling the pain and continue to do so. This world seems better when I imagine it, and that’s sad. No war can be won completely? Random I know but I’m random.

Stay on your toes.

                                                                                            Heau

Happy late b-day Ms. Kahlo.

In Uncategorized on July 6, 2010 at 10:53 am

Though she was a hurt human being filled with pain and agony she was a strong woman that’s for sure. Her paintings are filled with beauty but at the same time they showed how much she was in pain

The first time I was introduced by this artist was in high school by my beaitiful teacher. I can’t remember her name, but I can remember she was a few doors down from Miss Shine’s classroom. That class was one of the few classes i had fun in. Her way of teaching was hands on and it was actually artists that when she showed us their work I really wanted to learn about them.

Enough about my pretty art teacher though :). Frida wasn’t the best looking woman imo, but her art was beautiful and she was great at it plus she was self taught. I can remember my art teacher saying that the marriage with her husband was up and down and up again. Her relationship with Diego Rivera a famous muralist was comapred to a relationship between an elephant and a dove because he was so fat while she was so petite and slender.

I can really relate to her, but not just me of course, all of us go through mental and physical pain. Everyone of us wants to kill someone but donlt actually carryout with the day dreams. Well she did, at least i’m pretty sure she did, they never proved it. T’was said that Stalin somehow had something to do with it.

She was a stalinist even though he killed alot of people, yea she knew and she still followed him.
I’m not really into politics or anything but we’re in america, either way someone has to get a cut to keep the nation running. People need to be more supportive and more giving. Money isn’ an issue but the love for it is. Drake said something about whoever says money isn’t everything is because they don’t have enough.
Of course maybe he’s just trying to reach those who love the money, so idk. I might go looking for ajob today, i’m going to start calling agencies to confirm an appointment(I didn’t set any appoinments with any agencies.) Wish me luck. Have a nice day, stay concious. Stay on your toes. A n d fo r a l l th e peopl e who d o w r o ng and k n o w y o u a r e h r t i ng o t h e s, t r y t o b e a b t t e r hu m an despite h o w c o l d t h e w o r l dd i s. T i m e f o r a c h a n g e, n o t sa y y ou ‘ v e c h a ng e d b u t k e e p h u r t i ng ot h ers b u t mask i t. W e c a n d o i t.

Oh not I

In Uncategorized on July 5, 2010 at 1:44 pm

 Well look at the time haven’t slept at all since I woke up @ 8:00pm yesterday.

Well that was weird, it wasn’t showing the text but now it is. At times i feel like someone hacking me but it might be the computer, maybe both. I believe anything i think/say. I’m in the garage and im actually getting some  internet. It;s starting to get warm in here I was getting frustrated but now the frustration is gone like the helicopter that was hovering over the rooftops. I am not sure why it feels better staying awake than going to sleep waking up. The only thing I dislike is that i feel like fainting but i don’t feel sleepy.

I really wanted to look for ajob today, I really did. Today im planning to go to sleep kind of early so i can wake up and get my ass a job. For some stupid reason I was ok with not looking or not having a  J__O__B, I kept rewinding the same phrase in my head over and over again, I still have enough time to look for a job before I hit 21 and now it’s only less than 2 months away. I always have an excuse or I tell myself  something comforting to get myself from doing something when I know I should be doing whatever it is. I need to try harder, waaaay harder. No doubt.

                                           I     l            l             l     e  a          v e                      it          t        h  e         r        e .

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