heau

Archive for 2010|Yearly archive page

Better me.

In Uncategorized on October 6, 2010 at 11:39 am

Its easier to be horrible, but sometimes it’s easy, and sometimes its hard to be nice, but sometimes it eassy. What do i want? I want to be the best person I can be. Tough and funny and a little bit kind: that is as near to perfection as a human being can be. ~Mignon McLaughlin

My idea on how the world would be a better place.

In Uncategorized on September 24, 2010 at 3:22 am

I’m 20, no 21 since it is my b-day. I have no job, no money, no girlfriend, no car, no drivers license, no sense of what I want to do. Everything was better when I was growing up, no worries about anything. Now the pressure is on and it only pushes me down harder, I push back but nothing has been accomplished so far. But heres where my idea comes in, why cant everyone just be independent, no taxes, grow your own farms, make your own stuff, trade, start off how we all first lived and let it all happen again since of course people will get violent for land and whatnot. We havent came that far. Start from scratch. But then again mayve somehow it is more balanced, here in the US. Other places in the world are horrible. Are we scared that if we go “soft” someone worse will come along? People want comfort, protection, money, food,

 i get inspired or excited about something but it goes away, so nothing is done about my ideas or whatever I want to persure.

>?????

In Uncategorized on September 19, 2010 at 1:52 am

Yesterday was different than other Saturdays because my cousin came over. She has a couple kids, her daughter could have been cuter if she didnt look so much like her, shes not ugly though.  Well she brought a dude over… I was like what the fuck?! Why is she going to bring a dude over when she can wait for tomorrow to see this “friend” of hers. She has a bf or husband/baby daddy that recently went to prison. I went out to see what was up and he was in the restroom. SHe said something to me about her friend blah blah I didnt really pay attention then she went on to ask me if I sleep? Right then and there I was like what the fuck… does she want me sleeping so that dude can rape me in my sleep or do something to me or my brothers in their sleep or steal something, IDK alot of shit wnet through my mind. I told her it was Sat. and its only 1:30 am. Im watching Inuyasha 😀 . And now her and her buddy are int he garage doing who knows what. That keeps going through my head though, “que no duermes?”  “Dont you sleep?” Why do I jump to these conclusions? shit I dont know. Is it possible? Anythings possible in this world. Good and bad. All I think about is if that were the case that she brought this dude or if other people come over to carry out somekind of action while I or we’re sleeping, why? for what? What would be the point? Power? Learning, but why not tell me or us. Idk i just wouldnt want to be some kind of cum bucket or glory hole or something. FUKC THAT.

Get fit rather than quit.

In Uncategorized on August 27, 2010 at 2:40 am

Is it me or have people gotten obsessed with working out.  Getting healthy is one thing but I start seeing people with unbalanced bodies, as in their upper body is much bigger than their lower body. I myself think a little ripness would look nice, no bulkiness.

I’ve been trying this for a while now but I just can’t seem to follow through on it. I’ve started doing push ups and running but I stop after a few days or a week maybe two.  I’ve gotten flabby and I always feel tired so it should be that im not healthy. I read up on some articles through google searches about cardio and ab workouts but for me it’ll be hard just because I had spinal surgery over 2 yrs ago. I’m kind of scared of hurting myself again but not as much as I once was.

I’m planning on doing some cycling, start with some fat burning while working out my leg muscles a bit then I could move on to more specific workout. The heart is the most important muscle so I figured it would be a good place to start. Motivation would be the problem, but im sure if I just do it I can accomplish the task. We all need to be healthy physically and mentally.

Im sitting outside listening to the train which reminds me of where I used to live which isnt that far from here. Well a couple nights ago I was sitting here in the same place when some guy comes up to me and starts telling me that he’s been living in his car which is parkwd outside my parents house out infront to the left. He introduced himslef and watnot, I had a lot of question going through my mind but this year I have’nt been very friendly to say the least. My way of thinking about making friends or acquantances is the more you make or meet the more possibility they will hurt you or use, maybe even abuse you. I would be missing out on good people also, so IDK its complicated. It really is. The truth is that people dont care about people. A person doesnt care about another person.

AUISDHSI%rt^5ET64ety64Rt5^$$45

In Uncategorized on July 13, 2010 at 10:02 pm

It is so much more difficult and confusing now that I’m growing up. There are a lot of things that don’t meet the eye, people scheming and what makes me more scared is that you really can’t trust anyone.  truthfully I can’t even manage to trust myself so how can I trust anyone else. Everything brings me down, I’m weak to say it in two words. Whats funny and sad is that I really thought I was strong, I thought I was stable but the truth is that I’m unbalanced, but the good news is that I get more and more stable as the days go by.

 I’ve learned a lot this year, more important things I should say.  Better times will come, but I shouldn’t think that way, I focus too much on the future, its ok sometimes but it seems like im always dreaming and stay on the drawing board for too long. I want more out of life, and it’s hard I wont deny it. This world could be more of a good place to be in. I’m running out of battery life so ill end it here my fellow humans. Stay On your toes.

                                                                            -Heau

BIG dreams, some xperience.

In Uncategorized on July 11, 2010 at 11:01 pm

It was on channel 62 that I was watching a Comedy Central stand-up special. I’m not sure but i think the comedians name was something like Geraldo. Well he said a joke that made me feel good about not having a job. He said that in this economy i’ts ok to be a fuck up. Believe it or not it made me feel better, but thats how peoplem get fat, they eat because it makes them feel good.

To tell you humans the truth I’m gettin really tired of being a loser. Like Trey Songz says I just want to be successful.  What i require is to push myself. Motivation is what I’m lacking, happiness is foreign to my emotions nowadays so I must do something to change this. Help my fam, get my license, get a car, get a job, not in that order but you get the picture.

I want to do it the right way. In my head I see gettin a normal job like at a store or something that pays alright, not expecting much but it wou;d’nt hurt finding a GREAT paying job.

Thing will get better and it’s up to me thisI know. Mandookie you have to start tomorrow, go get your clothes ready, prepare yourself mentaly , you can do it.LOL 😐

Focus man.

In Uncategorized on July 9, 2010 at 9:34 pm

Dude, being ^Twenty is really sucking for me. A lot o pressure and responsabilities which I am not taking care of to make it worse. Ontop of that all I do is complain instead of doing something about it. People making it harder tthan it is, we’re living in a hateful world and if your sitiuation is good you should be thankful. You did it, pat yourself in the back. I need to stop looking towards the future too much and look at the present.

When something hits me that makes me scared in relation to the world I repress it and comfort myself. I’m too comfortable not doing anything. There’s so much to do and i can’t get myself to do these things. Im impatient, i rush things, I go from one thought to another with no focus.

Pace yourself fellow dude,i need to encourage myself like i did just now. What messes me up the most is knowwing that i did this, I messed things up. I read a quote somewhere that said you should never forgive yourself, even if i try I can’t i dont want to try. I might be able to someday but now I’m numb. There are times I shed tears sometimes I laugh but its not the same. This world messes with our emotions, its a rollercoaster and im not sure to strap myself in until i know its my theme park.

Frustrated I have ideas and dreams but can’t focus, and llike I said there are always people that want to mess things up, I guess I need to be stronger. Yes I try, sometimes I might slack off but anyone can do it, well in my opinion. What i would like is to be successful and happy without hurting other people. What’s wrong with me! It’s everything is twisted up. What I need is a release. Cannot focus, everything goes through my mind like I can’t breathe. Makes me want to everything and shout cry punch a cat in the face.

Put my energy into something is what i should do, it’s all bottled up inside. Everything not just one thing, its everything. What I need to do is be persistent. Either im making myself feel trapped or angry, sometimes I scare myself because I know I won’t hurt another human being unless im provoked, and it would take alot to provoke me. Meditate and take a bream fellow dude, be you, express yourself.

Stay on your toes.

Heau.

To quit or not to quit.

In Uncategorized on July 9, 2010 at 6:30 pm

It’s a tough desicion to make for anyone who has smoked more than you should. Smoking gives you satisfaction because when you’ve had a good time it probably was while you were smoking so  you make yourself believe it was the lit cigarette clamped down between your lips that made it possible.

I smoke sometimes, I used to smoke alot more than I do now. Personally I see it as a waste of money, specially when you don’t have alot of it. There are other ways to entertain yourself, but if you’re suicidal go ahead and smoke. Im joking, why kill yourself? It’s ok, this to shall pass, whatever it is, of course it won’t be easy.

There are alot of commercials that sell these cancer sticks, kids smoke them, I’ve seen it but i do not blame those commercials, it’s all about curiousity and boredom. It’s a choice humans make. I’m smoking one as i write this.I dont get anything out of it. I feel cool doing it, it’s multitasking if you will.Something to do.

Alot of my family members smoke, I grew up seeing them smoke. I’ve seen some quit, most likely it was because of their poor health. Whatever reason it is they stopped, they would’nt stop something they enjoyed unless it’s not safe.It must’ve been hard but i think its easy. Or maybe I keep saying “this is my last box” and it keeps going ang going until it’s too late. Addiction is a disease, its all in our heads. Sometimes I feel guilty buying a pack. So do i quit or not? We’ll see.

Google Image result.

Sigh, I’ll do anything for love.

In Uncategorized on July 8, 2010 at 7:57 pm

Oh but i wont do that.

Yesterday, a guy showed up at the door asking for me while I was stinky and watching t.v. so I decided not to answer. Mother answered the door, she came to tell me someone is asking for you, I quietly nodded so she told him I was asleep. I looked horrible I was relaxing so why get and answer the door.

I looked to see who it was as he left and it looked like the step brother of some guy I suspect is knowingly hurting us, imo taking advantage of us. See he would come over and we would treat him like our friend. Now I’ve seen his real faces and it seems like he’s not that good of a person. I can be wrong but I can be right.

I don’t talk to him like I did before, he is now just one of my brothers friend. Am I the only that is seeing who he really is? All I can do is express my feelings and thoughts to my siblings.A lot of people I thought I knew are now no longer a part of my life though I do see them from time to time and yes sometimes I think about past times but it isn’t the same and it is because how they hurt me that I want to change.

It feels good to hurt others sometimes, or take your anger out on someone, but it’s another thing feeling the pain and continue to do so. This world seems better when I imagine it, and that’s sad. No war can be won completely? Random I know but I’m random.

Stay on your toes.

                                                                                            Heau

Happy late b-day Ms. Kahlo.

In Uncategorized on July 6, 2010 at 10:53 am

Though she was a hurt human being filled with pain and agony she was a strong woman that’s for sure. Her paintings are filled with beauty but at the same time they showed how much she was in pain

The first time I was introduced by this artist was in high school by my beaitiful teacher. I can’t remember her name, but I can remember she was a few doors down from Miss Shine’s classroom. That class was one of the few classes i had fun in. Her way of teaching was hands on and it was actually artists that when she showed us their work I really wanted to learn about them.

Enough about my pretty art teacher though :). Frida wasn’t the best looking woman imo, but her art was beautiful and she was great at it plus she was self taught. I can remember my art teacher saying that the marriage with her husband was up and down and up again. Her relationship with Diego Rivera a famous muralist was comapred to a relationship between an elephant and a dove because he was so fat while she was so petite and slender.

I can really relate to her, but not just me of course, all of us go through mental and physical pain. Everyone of us wants to kill someone but donlt actually carryout with the day dreams. Well she did, at least i’m pretty sure she did, they never proved it. T’was said that Stalin somehow had something to do with it.

She was a stalinist even though he killed alot of people, yea she knew and she still followed him.
I’m not really into politics or anything but we’re in america, either way someone has to get a cut to keep the nation running. People need to be more supportive and more giving. Money isn’ an issue but the love for it is. Drake said something about whoever says money isn’t everything is because they don’t have enough.
Of course maybe he’s just trying to reach those who love the money, so idk. I might go looking for ajob today, i’m going to start calling agencies to confirm an appointment(I didn’t set any appoinments with any agencies.) Wish me luck. Have a nice day, stay concious. Stay on your toes. A n d fo r a l l th e peopl e who d o w r o ng and k n o w y o u a r e h r t i ng o t h e s, t r y t o b e a b t t e r hu m an despite h o w c o l d t h e w o r l dd i s. T i m e f o r a c h a n g e, n o t sa y y ou ‘ v e c h a ng e d b u t k e e p h u r t i ng ot h ers b u t mask i t. W e c a n d o i t.